GUILT: the Enabler of Clutter

I am going to dedicate a somewhat lengthy blog post to one word: GUILT.

Why? Because this is often why people end up living with things they do not love or need. Not apathy, not laziness; guilt. People often use guilt as a reason to do or not do something instead of an emotion that can be recognized and let go. It can take up a gigantic amount of space in a person’s head and heart, muddy the truth and weigh people down in ways they don’t even consciously register. Well, I’m dedicating this blog to bringing it to your conscious: let’s look at guilt in light of clutter and organization. 

In working with clients, when I encounter something which no longer serves them (it does not bring them joy, they do not use it, they do not love it, etc.), I always ask them why they have kept it and if they are ready to let it go? If they have a difficult time parting with it, the answer most often can be pinned down on guilt. Specifically, two kinds of guilt: emotional and financial.  

Emotional Guilt

Emotional guilt can be challenging to work through because people have to see they are using it as a reasoning tool instead of seeing it for what it truly is: an emotion. It’s self-serving and self-defeating all at once. It’s self-serving because as long as a person thinks they have a reason they “have to” keep something, they spend no more time questioning it because in a way, they feel like they’ve dealt with it; case closed! But, it’s self-defeating in the same very breath because there it is! Wasting space and not being utilized. Your grandmother’s wedding veil, you father’s card collection, the broken ceramic bowl someone you love gave you; the reasons you can tell yourself you “must” keep these items are endless! Here’s the thing: who is running your life? You or the people you have allowed into it? You. You are the boss. In most cases there is no “reason” for having to keep anything other than the guilt you heap onto yourself about how someone may feel if they knew you were parting with something they had once given you.

Listen up: you are the only one who can allow yourself to feel the emotions you are feeling. You are in control. When you are reviewing an item that no longer serves you, it can bring up a whole host of emotions depending on the memories associated with it, but you are the person who gets to decide how you process those memories and what you do with that item. No one can make you feel badly about deciding something is no longer bringing you joy/serving you in a positive manner/helping you/comforting you/or is useable to you. This is on you. You have the ultimate say about what gets to stay and go in your life; not your aging parents, not your children, not your siblings, not your friends; you. (The exception to this rule is your life partner: if you have joint possessions you’re going to need to talk through them as a team and strike a balance when you disagree on things.)  

Financial Guilt

Financial guilt is whammy #2: it is the annoying little mosquito that buzzes in your ear just as you’re about to part with something and whispers, “But, you PAID for this!” Of course you did! That is generally how we acquire belongings; we have to pay for them. But, the thing is, what served you at one time has no bearing on what serves you currently; your best interests change because life constantly changes. That amazing jacket you paid a boatload of money for when you lived in New England but now you’ve moved to the tropics? Is it serving you? Ha, no. Will you ever return to New England in the Winter? Ha, heck no! The juicer you spent a hefty sum on (post watching health documentaries) languishing in the cabinet because it takes 40 minutes to make a juice from start to finish and clean up…not being used. Why are you keeping these things? GUILT! You paid for them! Maybe you’ll use them someday…and maybe someday you’ll see a unicorn outside your window. Someday never comes. Ever. And in the meanwhile, you accumulate heaps of “somedays”. Well, that SOMEDAY is here. Today is the day you get to acknowledge that some belongings in your home may no longer serve you and that is OK.  

Guilt, guilt, guilt be gone.

Seriously, if there is one thing I will try to impart to you during the decluttering process, is that it's ok to feel guilt – emotional or financial, but that it is only a feeling – not a reason – and it is important to try to let it go because the only one holding on to it, is you. It is serving no purpose other than to hold you back from enjoying your own life. And, as you are well aware; your life is far bigger and more important than a collection of things that no longer serve you.  

I will leave you with one example I love so much…a woman I was working with inherited a collection of fine china from her parents who had passed away over a dozen years ago. Her mother, in particular loved this china. She used it at every holiday and it was stored away in mint condition every other day of the year, just waiting for a holiday “worthy” of using it. While my client fondly remembered family holidays using the china, she really had no place for it in her life. She never intended to use it; it didn’t suit her tastes or her family’s needs. It had been sitting idle in a protective box for…years. It had even moved homes, basement to basement. Dusty. Unused. Alone. So, when we finally came to discussing this idle china, she welled up with guilt: she didn’t ever use it. Ever. But she felt like she couldn’t part with it. She felt SO guilty; she felt as though her mother would be disappointed if she parted with it. Let’s review: she’s felt badly that a person she loved dearly but who is no longer on this planet to even have the conversation with - may or may not - want her to keep the china in the box. I asked her, “Do you think your parents, in particular your mother would want you to feel badly about anything they left you, regardless how you decide to use it or what you decide to do with it?” “No,” she admitted fairly sheepishly. After lots more conversation she came to believe that she would be serving her parent’s better by passing along the china to someone who would use it…and she did…and the amazing part of the story is she ended up giving it away entirely to a family in need who literally had no plates/cups/bowls of their own. They cried when they received it; they could not believe someone would give them something so beautiful and essential to their lives. My client cried when she saw them cry; tears of joy and gratitude all around.

When something no longer serves you, let it go; it will serve someone else.